I’m baaaack….

Well, Lucas and I have been dating for about 10 months now.

I don’t want to say I’m bored with the relationship, because I’m not. I just don’t feel he is The One. He is a good person… full of insecurities, but he is loyal and kind and overall helpful.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I could live the rest of my life with a good man who I wasn’t really in love with. I do love him, and I care about him a great deal. The sex is great. But… there’s an element missing that, after 10 months, I can definitely say is a great obstacle to me ever progressing with him. I have no desire to move in with him, marry him, grow old with him.

I’ve struggled over the summer with my feelings. HE’S A GOOD GUY, I kept telling myself. I still do. And he is. But part of me feels like I am settling. And part of me is ashamed for thinking I’m all that and deserve better than him.

Is there such a thing as finding true love and living happily ever after? Or are stability and predictability the best I can hope for as I raise two children as a single mom?

I’ve felt stronger feelings in past relationships… but they obviously haven’t worked out. I think this is the longest I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve had the upper hand… meaning, I’m not the one with the stronger feelings.

I don’t particularly like being put on a pedestal if I am not reciprocating. And I don’t like the constant struggle to figure out why I’m just not feeling it for this guy. Every day, I start the conversation in my head: “It’s not you… it’s me….”

And I think it IS me, and him, but I don’t know why it’s not working. And it’s not worry of hurting him or guilt that has kept me around…. though I do feel those things. There’s just something lacking there, that one spark, that one feeling of certainty that I know this guy has my back AND can make sound decisions in my best interests because he knows me so well. And I keep waiting for an a-ha moment, some clarity. I just don’t think we know each other that well, and something in our communication is lacking and preventing that area of intimacy from happening.

Lucas and I have four kids between us, and we all have a lot of fun together and there’s sappy ol’ adoration among all of us. We’re not as cohesive as we could be, and I have been kind of holding off on working on that because I’ve been so uncertain about our relationship.

Which brings me to the dilemma of… JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

I want out. And in.

Well….

I’ve been messing around with some of my online dating subscriptions, but I decided finally today to cancel them.

My heart just isn’t in it anymore, even for the laughs.

I think I’ve really fallen for Lucas over the past few months.

As much fun as it was flirting online with strangers, I met only a handful of men in person, and there was just no connection. I think I hung on to my online persona as long as I did so I could give myself options… I was very unsure of Lucas at first. He seemed… way too nice, too eager to please.

But we’re kind of mixing up our lives here now, and involving children, (and our kids get along famously!), and talking about serious issues instead of what brand of condoms we prefer. As If That Mattered. Wow, he is awesome in bed. You’d never think it if you knew him… he’s just so damn sweet.

I don’t know if this is the guy for me. If he isn’t, I’ll be back in business here on my blog in no time. But in the meantime, I’m going to explore the possibilities and give the online dating world a chance to turn over in case I’m back.

But I’ve reached the point where I can’t in good faith feel out other men… I think… yes… that I’m well on my way to being in love!

He is so wonderful with my kids, and I love his girls. That is something that has been a major issue in my past relationships… there was never a breakthrough, never complete acceptance of a boyfriend or a girlfriend coming on board. But with Lucas, I can see the possibility — POSSIBILITY — of someday waking up on a Saturday morning with four kids at the foot of our bed watching cartoons and giggling about nothing.

I’ll try to update from time to time, success or no success. We’ve reached our first major milestone though: I gave him a key to my house.

Be safe out there

I went to court today to be a witness in my stalking case. It was very surreal.

When I walked into the nondescript building on the side of a nondescript road, I walked into a nondescript room buzzing with people from all walks of life.

I don’t know much about the operations of the justice system, but throughout the hour I sat there, I came to realize that all cases heard in this tiny courtroom were criminal. There was the mother-daughter team caught stealing from a department store, a guy accused of harassment who had to turn over a computer card filled with photos, a woman who sat waiting for her friend to get out on bail, and plenty of lawyers wheeling suitcases, meeting their clients for the first time.

Oh, and the place was littered with police officers, security guards, constables, troopers.

It took me a while to get over the feeling that I had been dropped there from outer space. And once I almost got over it, a door opened, and a man in shackles came out and passed through the room very close to me. And later another. Then another. And another.

I thought of “Silence of the Lambs,” when Jodie Foster’s character goes down the row of cells and is leered at and spit on. Only…. there were no bars between me and these guys. And it’s not often that I’m the most attractive girl in the room. Not often at all.

And then one of the guys who was previously shackled came out and sat down, sans chains and handcuffs. OK, someone thought that was a good idea, but couldn’t they let him go out the back door??

Be careful who you date. Mac seemed very normal when I first started emailing him, and even after a few dates. It wasn’t until I gave him the “I would like to pursue another relationship” spiel that he started — for months on end — relentlessly contacting me through every means possible.

His lawyer’s defense? He said, chuckling: “This guy’s in love with you.”

I don’t think it’s so funny. Not when law enforcement must get involved.

Work! Sucks!!!!!

I have been so busy with work that I haven’t had much time to attend to my dating life. I took a half hour the other day to just email my potential responses and tell them that I would potentially be responding to them. I did email my Kris, the CEO/prof guy, and I emailed a guy named Keith, who responded eagerly with an email littered with the dreaded exclamation point and iffy space bar:

To: TODP
From: Keith
Subject: Re: Hi there!

Good Morning!!

I understand busy!! You don’t have to write your’ life story…lol I like to tent camp from time to time! Usually when we take the boat to the lake.I like the camp grounds there but,still a pain setting all that up!

I left home when I was 18 an went into the Navy! I moved around quite a bit.. As mucg as I disliked it then,I look back on it and think it wasn’t such a bad move! Went to alot of places I may have never seen?? Spend most of my time in the Carribbean! We did do a Med. cruise and then I got out so I was glad to have done that!!!

I am originally from here and actually live in the house I grew up in!! My parents vacated to Arizona..It’s been nice being back I always enjoyed this state and the people here are much more at face value!!! Plus, it’s alot cooler and I always missed the season s changing down there!! Didn’t care too much for the southern part of Florida. Would prefer the pan handle or Sarasota, even Tampa’s not too bad!! The whole state seems to a huge rat race from when I lived there!!!

Well,I should get off of here and get ready for my inspector!! It’s almost time!!

Take Care,
Keith

Holy! Crap! Wasn’t that! Intense!

And the nominees are…

Lucas called me tonight while I was rifling through responses to my newest online ad. What fucking timing.

I started to feel like a girlfriend looking to get out… that I should break it off with him before pursuing this… and then I reminded myself: I’M DATING. This is all part of it. He has potential, and I’m still letting him be in on the game. It is not necessary or prudent to tell him about the rest of my plays.

Some of the responses I’ve gotten from the ad:

From John:
I’m a capricorn (dec) didn’t realize that was a must to be a leo. When’s your birthday…I have a present 4 you

I googled this guy’s email address… holy shit, he is listed on every dating site known to man, including ones written in French and some outside the U.S. If he can’t get a date in his own back yard, he ain’t getting one with me.

From Dave:
Hi’ I’am 6′1″205 althletic build broad shoulder’s,stay in shape work on all my vehicle’s.Laid back great sense of humor.Hate to fight,open door’s for my lady.Like to bargain shop clothes, food an like to cook just for 2.I heated my house with 2 wood burner’s.Have every tool you can think of .Just a all around good guy. Handsome also,clean cut.Play well with other’s.Age 44,don’t smoke,drink or do drug’s.Don’t like drama,negative people.Take care

Shoulder’s? Vehicle’s? Door’s? Someone needs to tell Dave he’s possessed. And that his computer likely has a space bar. And that he needs a drink.

From Paul:
Hello!
I am single 36 no kids.
I am 6’ tall 170 lbs blondish short hair clean cut with hazel eyes.
I love to play pool and darts. Dive bars are way more fun!
I love to cook and recently remodeled my kitchen.
Lets chat.

“Lets.” I still took the bait.

From Robert:
maybe you found him

I found a profile for this guy, and he is not only a “Hardware Technition,” but he is “finally seperated from the bitch.” Think I’ll pass on that. I (heart) Google.

From John:
Looking
Well you have found your leo, do you put your own worm on the hook? You answer determines my interest…..
You can not look as much as an ass on the driving range as me.

Mention golf and any idiot will answer. “You” grammar determines my interest.

From Joey:
Well lets see, was born aug 7, 1975. So that makes me a leo, also makes me 32. Love to sleep in on saturdays, then again love to sleep in everyday cause i work steady 3-11’s. But let me just stop there, if u would like me to keep going let me know

YAWN. I graduated from that work schedule many years ago.

From David:
Do you mean you are looking for a Leo as in the astrological sign or a Leo as in DiCaprio? If the first is your choice, I may just fit the bill of what you are looking for. I’ll gladly share more if you like, including a pic, but can I ask a question first? If you are looking for a Leo (sign) why? Why a Leo?

Took the bait on this one too. Anyone who asks me a question is fair game.

From Ron:
could u send a pic of yourself i will send one in return.

This guy emails me every time I put up an ad. I take it he’s still not found a girlfriend. I take it there’s a reason for that.

From Craig:
Hello,
I read your’ post and thought I’d respond!!! I’m late 30’s 37 to be exact! In shape,drink socially, love the outdoors and have my life together!! I’m not a spam bott and am for real. I would love to just have one person that’s for real respond on here??? I’m just looking for someone new to befriend and see where it goes! I don’t need a fwb or have any desires to play any stupid games!!! So, please just be normal and respond!!1 LOL

I am normal, and I was so hoping for a spam bot. Not much hope here. What the hell is a fwb?

From Louis:
written to perfection. bravo , reply and ill lay mine on you

Lay it on me, Lou. Don’t work too hard on the typing skillz.

Taking another shot

After finishing up a weekend with Lucas, I just thought I would throw this ad out there, back to my roots of non-paid-for dating ads:

Looking for my Leo

He’s in his mid to late 30s, early 40s, enjoys kids, maybe has kids, is funny and looks after his health. He can leave his work at work, sleep late on Saturdays, start a campfire, change his own oil.

He’s looking for a smart woman, professional, laid back. Someone who can pitch darts at a dive bar, cook a great Sunday dinner, make an ass of herself at a driving range, keeps her fishing license up-to-date.

I kept it simple. I think it’s a little close-minded, too detailed, but at the same time, I’ve never dated a Leo, and what better way to try than combing through anonymous emails of men who AREN’T Leos??

Understanding

Well…..

I emailed Kris back and told him I’d be up for getting together, let me know what he had in mind. Then a week of checking my email every few hours, and nothing from him. I’m not surprised, just disappointed. I guess if anything, I hope he’s found someone else and is happy, because he seemed like a pretty neat guy.

Lucas and I spent a lot of time together this week. I am sure he considers me his girlfriend. For Valentine’s Day, he gave me a gift certificate to a spa, which was pretty nice. He pays for most of our outings, even though I offer and manage to intercept a check once in a while. I guess what bugs me the most is that when we break up, he’ll think all that money spent wasn’t worth it!

I just can’t help the lack of feelings I have for him. I’ve tried to convince myself that a really nice guy is exactly what I deserve… but there’s something that’s just not there, even though the sex is fantastic. I find myself picking the side of the table at restaurants so I have a good view of the crowd and while he is rambling away, I am checking out the room.

When my last boyfriend dumped me and said, “I just never loved you,” I was furious. But now I understand the situation he was in.