Merry (fuckin’) Christmas

Lucas and I have been hanging around a lot among friends and as our kid schedules allow. But it wasn’t until Saturday that we actually had the chance to go on an all-out, real date.

No kids to worry about, no dancing around the subject.

We went to eat at a spot we had both been to before. It has a great beer selection, and Lucas is kind of a snob about beer… he knows his pilsners from his IPAs, so I let him order the drinks while I ordered the food. I tasted the most delicious calorie-laden alcohol I think I have ever had. God bless the Christmas brews.

We went in search of darts afterward… we found an absolute dive bar that had a board, and we had a great time. I’m a pretty damn good shot, and he beat me by ONE DART.

And we went to back to my house and fell into bed.

As I had hoped.

And it was… phenomenal.

Instead of debating who got the wet spot, we got a towel to cover the results.

Again, I felt like texting my most recent ex about THE CRAPPY SEX HE DELIVERED.

It’s really not so difficult, geez.

When Lucas and I woke in the morning, we had sex again, and got dressed and went for breakfast. Then Christmas shopping. Late in the afternoon, he left to get his kids, but I saw him tonight for dinner before he had to pick them up again.

We talked about going out for dinner tonight, but this afternoon he called and said his friend was having dinner at her house. Did I want to go?

Did I want to go??

It was like I hit a brick wall. If I didn’t know these people, I would have said sure. But these are, like Lucas, people I know, people I haven’t seen in more than a dozen years. I was tempted… but I made an excuse and we ended up instead searching in vain for a restaurant open on Christmas Eve.

We ended up with Chinese takeout. Thank goodness for non-Christians.

After Lucas left my house, I found a stocking on my bed filled with silly shit. I have no idea how he got it into the house and onto my bed without me seeing.

It was…. well….

I am very merry, LOL.

Happiest of holidays to anyone who has endured reading this crap.

In the driver’s seat

I have been seeing quite a bit of Lucas. It seems like he wants to see me all the time. I kind of enjoy that he likes me so much. I remember some time ago, a friend of mine telling me that it’s good to have the upper hand, to be the one who loves a little bit less.

And it’s not that I can read Lucas’ mind or anything… I don’t really know what he’s really thinking, but he sends me cuddly kinds of text messages, but they seem to come right when I am thinking of a sickeningly cuddly text message myself, so maybe I don’t have the upper hand??

So, I decided to try him out on my friends. I invited him over to my house along with my friend of 20 years and her boyfriend, and we ate pizza and other unhealthy crap, watched sports and drank beer. Lucas seemed to get along great with Anna’s boyfriend, but Anna seemed like she couldn’t care less that I had a love interest in my home, and that she had to be party to it.

Of course, I never can read Anna very well, so when the boys headed to the kitchen, I asked her, breathlessly, “What do you think?????”

She said, very blase, “I think he’s needy.”

I really value Anna’s input… but then I remembered how gung-ho she was about my last boyfriend, and how he ended up being a creep. And how she made a play for my boyfriend our freshman year shortly after we broke up. And how she made reference one time about how “homely” she and I were, and it took me years to get that from ringing in my ears.

Because I always thought she was beautiful. And if she thought she wasn’t….

All of sudden, all this stock I have put in her opinion seemed so… outrageous! But I guess it is because I had my own doubts about Lucas, him being younger than me, even if only by a year, and that he and I have so many past connections that it’s a little awkward. But Lucas talked serious sports with Anna while her own boyfriend was passed out drunk on my sofa, and I sat between them wondering what the hell acronyms they were using….

Could she be jealous????

I am just not going to go there. After 20 years of friendship, I am not going to psychoanalyze why we conflict so rigidly when it comes to men.

But that evening, she had taken the wind out of my sails by calling him needy without telling me why, and she made me look at Lucas in a different light. I felt almost sheepish about the whole thing. Like it was too…. too good to be true.

Based on four words out of my best friend’s mouth.

Tonight I was shuttling around my daughter’s father, he was in town to visit, and I asked him if he minded if I stopped by Lucas’ work to say hi. No problem. I asked Lucas if I could. No problem.

And they met each other. Lucas hasn’t even spent time with my daughter, but I went in there with my baby, and my baby daddy — who knows me so well it scares me — and I came out smiling. I’m laughing now as I write this… how some might find that so very off the wall. I guess in hindsight, I did put them both on the spot, though I’ve been honest with each about the other, and they’ve both expressed support of my circumstances.

When I got back in the car, my daughter’s father said, “Wow, he seems like a really cool guy. Very normal.” And by that he meant, very unlike the freaks I usually end up with.

Anna’s “needy” comment crept into my head, but I replied, “Yeah, he really is very nice. He’s very sweet. And he likes me a lot.”

“I can tell you like him a lot.”

I couldn’t help the huge grin that crossed my face. “I do. I really do.” And we drove away, both of us waving at Lucas, our daughter in the back seat, oblivious.

Life is fucking weird.

Amazing smile

I was super tired last night after the party I had, and after I got the kids to bed, Lucas and I talked on the phone again. For an hour. Before I finally asked him, “Why did you not come over like you said you would?”

I thought he’d say something like, well, no one was here anymore and he’d feel weird, or the roads are too icy, but instead, he said, “You sound so tired. I know you’ve been entertaining all day.”

So I sort of invited him over anyway — I was so curious to lay eyes on him after so many years — and he sort of accepted. We hung out for a few hours talking, and when I finally realized the time, I had to ask him to leave. We stood by the door and he joked about what to do next, and he was smiling… and he absolutely looks like Matthew Broderick, but a taller, healthier version of him…. and his smile was so amazing… and after a minute of him babbling, I just leaned in and kissed him.

We agreed to meet for dinner Saturday, but today I got a text from him that he didn’t want to wait until Saturday. So I tentatively invited him over midweek, and tonight I impulsively suggested he come over to watch Monday Night Football.

I watched as several times his hand dropped to the couch, and he inched it over as if he wanted to take my hand… he’d brush my thigh lightly… and this went on for a half hour before he finally wrapped his fingers around mine. And we sat and held hands for the fourth quarter. We couldn’t stop talking and I paid only very little attention to the game. I didn’t even realize it when the game was over, and we just kept talking…. and he touched me very hesitantly on my back… and then finally when I said I had to go to bed, he went in for the kiss.

I’d like to say it was like I knew him all my life. But technically, I have. I was in first grade the first time I met him! He was best friends with my cousin in grade school, our families know each other somewhat, our relatives are friends with our relatives… we have so many ties that I think I’ve probably come across him at some point in the past couple of years and just didn’t realize it.

Things got a little heavy, and he was very much a gentleman, but he did move down to the button on my jeans, not once, but twice. And I stopped him both times, and the second time, I said, “At least take me on a real date first!” And I busted out laughing.

And he gave me his amazing smile and said, “I’d take you on 100 dates first.”

I pretended to do the math and said, “Well, I’m not waiting THAT long, unless we go on three dates a day.”

Like last night, I watched him from my front door as he went to his car, he opened the door, and fumbled around, then ran back up the steps for one last kiss.

The crush

Lucas — my childhood friend who I bumped into on Yahoo personals — and I have been emailing, then we graduated to IMing and texting, and now we actually talk on the phone. The old-fashioned way.

We have talked about how it would be weird to date. Even though I haven’t seen him in 16 years, I knew him when we were still taking Scooby Doo lunch boxes to school. And now our kids are.

Even my dad said today, “That would be very awkward.” And Dad knows something about awkward: My brother is married to a girl who’s mother my dad used to date.

But I’ve always been fascinated with those kinds of ties… a town where everybody knows everybody’s business… and you could literally do less than six degrees of separation to just about anyone. I was the weird one in the family that went out and moved around and now that I’ve been back a couple of years, I slightly resent that I didn’t stick around and have the kind of roots here that everyone else seems to have.

And suddenly I realize I DO!

Lucas and I agreed we would give it a go. We talk and text throughout the day, even if it’s just something funny we encountered at the grocery store or a simple little flirting gesture. The only problem has been that when we try to plan something, it seems something else comes up. So, I have not laid eyes on him yet, aside from his pic in his profile, but I’m letting my imagination get carried away.

I’m having a party for one of my kids tomorrow, and I had invited him, and it turns out he couldn’t get out of work. But he texted me tonight:

what time do u think u guys will be hanging out until?

My family will prolly haul ass early but my friends won’t be in a hurry.

well if it’s cool with you, i will give you a call after i take the girls back, and see what’s going on?

Absolutely! Do we need supervision? LOL

not at all… i will be a perfect gentleman … all I can do is speak for me however. LOL

Oh good. I don’t have to worry about shaving then.

LOL LOL LOL HA HA HA HA HA HA HA LOL LOL LOL HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL But no seriously … shave…. LOL

I’m waking my kids up with my laughing!!

I wasn’t kidding… LOL

About the gentleman part? Or the shaving part?

Both.

I shaved.

Too much talking

Marc often IMs me throughout the day while I’m at work, but mostly in the evening when I’m at home. He takes his laptop to work, and in his downtime, he gets online.

The other night, he was home and his kids were in bed…. and we were chatting about something that led to us talking about how people memorialize loved ones who have passed on, and I was about to tell him a touching story about how my brother got tattoos for a friend who had died, when Marc typed: “I think people who get body art for a dead person are stupid.”

This was right after he told me his mother might have cancer, and so maybe he was dealing with emotional issues surrounding that. But he just didn’t stop.

“Why do people put memorial shit on their cars? How long do we have to leave stuff on the side of the road? Why does everyone else have to be dragged into their grieving process?”

Um…. because everyone grieves differently? Because they are honoring the dead? Because there is such a thing as FREE SPEECH in this country? I don’t think I would do these things, but I respect others who do, and that they have the right to do so.

I ended up very pointedly asking him if he had ever lost someone who was really close to him; he said no. But he deals with dead and sick people on a daily basis. I don’t know how he could have such strong feelings about something that should have absolutely no effect on him whatsoever. I mean, who gives a fuck??? If anything, I think it invites more empathy into the world, and that’s a damn good thing.

I haven’t heard from him for a few days now, so I’m guessing I won’t anymore.

I’m not all that sorry that my fuck friend is gone. Not nearly sorry enough to spend any more time on this public memorial to him.

It was bound to happen sooner or later

I started a Yahoo personals account for the heck of it. It’s not been getting much activity, not nearly as much as the Match.com account. But there’s been a couple of guys I’ve been emailing with this past week.

On Yahoo, you are strongly encouraged to use your real first name. Studies have shown, it says, that users prefer this method. I kind of like the creativity of the names people use on Match, and I did have reservations about throwing my name out there. So I paid for only a month, as opposed to the three months I gave up to Match.

Right now my only connections are Ed, Lucas and David. I’m kind of partial to Lucas: he’s closer to my age, and he has two children close to my daughter’s age. And I like the name. There was a kid in high school I had a crush on with the same name.

We established we both like fishing, and he knows how to fly fish, which I’ve always wanted to learn. He’s got some musical talent. We like some of the same bands. He enjoys Hannah Montana. We both like hockey and football. We grew up in the same area. We…

WHAT?

I called my brother. How many kids does Lucas have now? Two. Is he separated? Yes. Does he play bass? Yes.

Soooo…. I gotta tell Lucas that… well, this is kind of awkward.

To: Lucas
From: TODP
Subject:

Oh my gosh… I grew up in there too… a little light bulb just went off… is your last name [Xxxxxxx]??

To: TODP
From: Lucas
Subject:

Okay, this is getting a little funny/weird. I was thinking the other day when I saw your profile that I thought you looked familiar. Now then, do you have a brother named RJ? Or a sister named Kim? If you have one you have the other I guess. lol…By the way my last name is [Xxxxxxx]… Of course there is always the chance that you are another Maddie, but I am pretty sure that you are who I think you are. Very cool indeed. It is a small world. Now, you have to write me back and let me know if I am barking up the right tree. I will be seriously surprised if I am not.

To: Lucas
From: TODP
Subject:

It is me! Wow, you look so different than I remember you, with long hair and a jean jacket. My, how things change.

Honestly, when I first saw the name “Lucas,” I thought, hey, I knew a Lucas… and I used to have a huge crush on him!!!

OK, what to do here, LOL.

To: TODP
From: Lucas
Subject:

I wish I woulda known you had a huge crush on me, because I always had the biggest crush on you! LOL …How funny is that? How are you, and how is everybody?

So, we’ve emailed each other and gotten caught up on life, and now I’m wondering… could I actually date him? Is he even interested?

WHAT DO I DO NOW?????

Blast from the past

Every once in a while, Bill IMs me. But it’s not a good IM. It’s like…. he’s ready to go, and had a bad night with the ladies, and resorted to online antics hoping to get lucky. I have a litte experience with this now, so I can see it for what it is.

bill: who is this?
bill: hmmmm

He’s sent me similar IMs in the recent past. And in the recent past, I’ve explained to him who I was. We had lunch?? You couldn’t get away from the bar?? Could you please remove me from your buddy list?

This is exactly like drunk-dialing.

I sat on his IM with no intention of answering it, but an idea popped into my head, and I do NOT mean to offend anyone, but I thought I’d fuck with him:

todp: this is the lord. you must build an ark. and get two of every animal on board.

No response from Bill.