I want out. And in.

Well….

I’ve been messing around with some of my online dating subscriptions, but I decided finally today to cancel them.

My heart just isn’t in it anymore, even for the laughs.

I think I’ve really fallen for Lucas over the past few months.

As much fun as it was flirting online with strangers, I met only a handful of men in person, and there was just no connection. I think I hung on to my online persona as long as I did so I could give myself options… I was very unsure of Lucas at first. He seemed… way too nice, too eager to please.

But we’re kind of mixing up our lives here now, and involving children, (and our kids get along famously!), and talking about serious issues instead of what brand of condoms we prefer. As If That Mattered. Wow, he is awesome in bed. You’d never think it if you knew him… he’s just so damn sweet.

I don’t know if this is the guy for me. If he isn’t, I’ll be back in business here on my blog in no time. But in the meantime, I’m going to explore the possibilities and give the online dating world a chance to turn over in case I’m back.

But I’ve reached the point where I can’t in good faith feel out other men… I think… yes… that I’m well on my way to being in love!

He is so wonderful with my kids, and I love his girls. That is something that has been a major issue in my past relationships… there was never a breakthrough, never complete acceptance of a boyfriend or a girlfriend coming on board. But with Lucas, I can see the possibility — POSSIBILITY — of someday waking up on a Saturday morning with four kids at the foot of our bed watching cartoons and giggling about nothing.

I’ll try to update from time to time, success or no success. We’ve reached our first major milestone though: I gave him a key to my house.

Be safe out there

I went to court today to be a witness in my stalking case. It was very surreal.

When I walked into the nondescript building on the side of a nondescript road, I walked into a nondescript room buzzing with people from all walks of life.

I don’t know much about the operations of the justice system, but throughout the hour I sat there, I came to realize that all cases heard in this tiny courtroom were criminal. There was the mother-daughter team caught stealing from a department store, a guy accused of harassment who had to turn over a computer card filled with photos, a woman who sat waiting for her friend to get out on bail, and plenty of lawyers wheeling suitcases, meeting their clients for the first time.

Oh, and the place was littered with police officers, security guards, constables, troopers.

It took me a while to get over the feeling that I had been dropped there from outer space. And once I almost got over it, a door opened, and a man in shackles came out and passed through the room very close to me. And later another. Then another. And another.

I thought of “Silence of the Lambs,” when Jodie Foster’s character goes down the row of cells and is leered at and spit on. Only…. there were no bars between me and these guys. And it’s not often that I’m the most attractive girl in the room. Not often at all.

And then one of the guys who was previously shackled came out and sat down, sans chains and handcuffs. OK, someone thought that was a good idea, but couldn’t they let him go out the back door??

Be careful who you date. Mac seemed very normal when I first started emailing him, and even after a few dates. It wasn’t until I gave him the “I would like to pursue another relationship” spiel that he started — for months on end — relentlessly contacting me through every means possible.

His lawyer’s defense? He said, chuckling: “This guy’s in love with you.”

I don’t think it’s so funny. Not when law enforcement must get involved.