I’m baaaack….

Well, Lucas and I have been dating for about 10 months now.

I don’t want to say I’m bored with the relationship, because I’m not. I just don’t feel he is The One. He is a good person… full of insecurities, but he is loyal and kind and overall helpful.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I could live the rest of my life with a good man who I wasn’t really in love with. I do love him, and I care about him a great deal. The sex is great. But… there’s an element missing that, after 10 months, I can definitely say is a great obstacle to me ever progressing with him. I have no desire to move in with him, marry him, grow old with him.

I’ve struggled over the summer with my feelings. HE’S A GOOD GUY, I kept telling myself. I still do. And he is. But part of me feels like I am settling. And part of me is ashamed for thinking I’m all that and deserve better than him.

Is there such a thing as finding true love and living happily ever after? Or are stability and predictability the best I can hope for as I raise two children as a single mom?

I’ve felt stronger feelings in past relationships… but they obviously haven’t worked out. I think this is the longest I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve had the upper hand… meaning, I’m not the one with the stronger feelings.

I don’t particularly like being put on a pedestal if I am not reciprocating. And I don’t like the constant struggle to figure out why I’m just not feeling it for this guy. Every day, I start the conversation in my head: “It’s not you… it’s me….”

And I think it IS me, and him, but I don’t know why it’s not working. And it’s not worry of hurting him or guilt that has kept me around…. though I do feel those things. There’s just something lacking there, that one spark, that one feeling of certainty that I know this guy has my back AND can make sound decisions in my best interests because he knows me so well. And I keep waiting for an a-ha moment, some clarity. I just don’t think we know each other that well, and something in our communication is lacking and preventing that area of intimacy from happening.

Lucas and I have four kids between us, and we all have a lot of fun together and there’s sappy ol’ adoration among all of us. We’re not as cohesive as we could be, and I have been kind of holding off on working on that because I’ve been so uncertain about our relationship.

Which brings me to the dilemma of… JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?