I’m baaaack….

Well, Lucas and I have been dating for about 10 months now.

I don’t want to say I’m bored with the relationship, because I’m not. I just don’t feel he is The One. He is a good person… full of insecurities, but he is loyal and kind and overall helpful.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I could live the rest of my life with a good man who I wasn’t really in love with. I do love him, and I care about him a great deal. The sex is great. But… there’s an element missing that, after 10 months, I can definitely say is a great obstacle to me ever progressing with him. I have no desire to move in with him, marry him, grow old with him.

I’ve struggled over the summer with my feelings. HE’S A GOOD GUY, I kept telling myself. I still do. And he is. But part of me feels like I am settling. And part of me is ashamed for thinking I’m all that and deserve better than him.

Is there such a thing as finding true love and living happily ever after? Or are stability and predictability the best I can hope for as I raise two children as a single mom?

I’ve felt stronger feelings in past relationships… but they obviously haven’t worked out. I think this is the longest I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve had the upper hand… meaning, I’m not the one with the stronger feelings.

I don’t particularly like being put on a pedestal if I am not reciprocating. And I don’t like the constant struggle to figure out why I’m just not feeling it for this guy. Every day, I start the conversation in my head: “It’s not you… it’s me….”

And I think it IS me, and him, but I don’t know why it’s not working. And it’s not worry of hurting him or guilt that has kept me around…. though I do feel those things. There’s just something lacking there, that one spark, that one feeling of certainty that I know this guy has my back AND can make sound decisions in my best interests because he knows me so well. And I keep waiting for an a-ha moment, some clarity. I just don’t think we know each other that well, and something in our communication is lacking and preventing that area of intimacy from happening.

Lucas and I have four kids between us, and we all have a lot of fun together and there’s sappy ol’ adoration among all of us. We’re not as cohesive as we could be, and I have been kind of holding off on working on that because I’ve been so uncertain about our relationship.

Which brings me to the dilemma of… JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

I want out. And in.

Well….

I’ve been messing around with some of my online dating subscriptions, but I decided finally today to cancel them.

My heart just isn’t in it anymore, even for the laughs.

I think I’ve really fallen for Lucas over the past few months.

As much fun as it was flirting online with strangers, I met only a handful of men in person, and there was just no connection. I think I hung on to my online persona as long as I did so I could give myself options… I was very unsure of Lucas at first. He seemed… way too nice, too eager to please.

But we’re kind of mixing up our lives here now, and involving children, (and our kids get along famously!), and talking about serious issues instead of what brand of condoms we prefer. As If That Mattered. Wow, he is awesome in bed. You’d never think it if you knew him… he’s just so damn sweet.

I don’t know if this is the guy for me. If he isn’t, I’ll be back in business here on my blog in no time. But in the meantime, I’m going to explore the possibilities and give the online dating world a chance to turn over in case I’m back.

But I’ve reached the point where I can’t in good faith feel out other men… I think… yes… that I’m well on my way to being in love!

He is so wonderful with my kids, and I love his girls. That is something that has been a major issue in my past relationships… there was never a breakthrough, never complete acceptance of a boyfriend or a girlfriend coming on board. But with Lucas, I can see the possibility — POSSIBILITY — of someday waking up on a Saturday morning with four kids at the foot of our bed watching cartoons and giggling about nothing.

I’ll try to update from time to time, success or no success. We’ve reached our first major milestone though: I gave him a key to my house.

And the nominees are…

Lucas called me tonight while I was rifling through responses to my newest online ad. What fucking timing.

I started to feel like a girlfriend looking to get out… that I should break it off with him before pursuing this… and then I reminded myself: I’M DATING. This is all part of it. He has potential, and I’m still letting him be in on the game. It is not necessary or prudent to tell him about the rest of my plays.

Some of the responses I’ve gotten from the ad:

From John:
I’m a capricorn (dec) didn’t realize that was a must to be a leo. When’s your birthday…I have a present 4 you

I googled this guy’s email address… holy shit, he is listed on every dating site known to man, including ones written in French and some outside the U.S. If he can’t get a date in his own back yard, he ain’t getting one with me.

From Dave:
Hi’ I’am 6′1″205 althletic build broad shoulder’s,stay in shape work on all my vehicle’s.Laid back great sense of humor.Hate to fight,open door’s for my lady.Like to bargain shop clothes, food an like to cook just for 2.I heated my house with 2 wood burner’s.Have every tool you can think of .Just a all around good guy. Handsome also,clean cut.Play well with other’s.Age 44,don’t smoke,drink or do drug’s.Don’t like drama,negative people.Take care

Shoulder’s? Vehicle’s? Door’s? Someone needs to tell Dave he’s possessed. And that his computer likely has a space bar. And that he needs a drink.

From Paul:
Hello!
I am single 36 no kids.
I am 6’ tall 170 lbs blondish short hair clean cut with hazel eyes.
I love to play pool and darts. Dive bars are way more fun!
I love to cook and recently remodeled my kitchen.
Lets chat.

“Lets.” I still took the bait.

From Robert:
maybe you found him

I found a profile for this guy, and he is not only a “Hardware Technition,” but he is “finally seperated from the bitch.” Think I’ll pass on that. I (heart) Google.

From John:
Looking
Well you have found your leo, do you put your own worm on the hook? You answer determines my interest…..
You can not look as much as an ass on the driving range as me.

Mention golf and any idiot will answer. “You” grammar determines my interest.

From Joey:
Well lets see, was born aug 7, 1975. So that makes me a leo, also makes me 32. Love to sleep in on saturdays, then again love to sleep in everyday cause i work steady 3-11’s. But let me just stop there, if u would like me to keep going let me know

YAWN. I graduated from that work schedule many years ago.

From David:
Do you mean you are looking for a Leo as in the astrological sign or a Leo as in DiCaprio? If the first is your choice, I may just fit the bill of what you are looking for. I’ll gladly share more if you like, including a pic, but can I ask a question first? If you are looking for a Leo (sign) why? Why a Leo?

Took the bait on this one too. Anyone who asks me a question is fair game.

From Ron:
could u send a pic of yourself i will send one in return.

This guy emails me every time I put up an ad. I take it he’s still not found a girlfriend. I take it there’s a reason for that.

From Craig:
Hello,
I read your’ post and thought I’d respond!!! I’m late 30’s 37 to be exact! In shape,drink socially, love the outdoors and have my life together!! I’m not a spam bott and am for real. I would love to just have one person that’s for real respond on here??? I’m just looking for someone new to befriend and see where it goes! I don’t need a fwb or have any desires to play any stupid games!!! So, please just be normal and respond!!1 LOL

I am normal, and I was so hoping for a spam bot. Not much hope here. What the hell is a fwb?

From Louis:
written to perfection. bravo , reply and ill lay mine on you

Lay it on me, Lou. Don’t work too hard on the typing skillz.

Taking another shot

After finishing up a weekend with Lucas, I just thought I would throw this ad out there, back to my roots of non-paid-for dating ads:

Looking for my Leo

He’s in his mid to late 30s, early 40s, enjoys kids, maybe has kids, is funny and looks after his health. He can leave his work at work, sleep late on Saturdays, start a campfire, change his own oil.

He’s looking for a smart woman, professional, laid back. Someone who can pitch darts at a dive bar, cook a great Sunday dinner, make an ass of herself at a driving range, keeps her fishing license up-to-date.

I kept it simple. I think it’s a little close-minded, too detailed, but at the same time, I’ve never dated a Leo, and what better way to try than combing through anonymous emails of men who AREN’T Leos??

Understanding

Well…..

I emailed Kris back and told him I’d be up for getting together, let me know what he had in mind. Then a week of checking my email every few hours, and nothing from him. I’m not surprised, just disappointed. I guess if anything, I hope he’s found someone else and is happy, because he seemed like a pretty neat guy.

Lucas and I spent a lot of time together this week. I am sure he considers me his girlfriend. For Valentine’s Day, he gave me a gift certificate to a spa, which was pretty nice. He pays for most of our outings, even though I offer and manage to intercept a check once in a while. I guess what bugs me the most is that when we break up, he’ll think all that money spent wasn’t worth it!

I just can’t help the lack of feelings I have for him. I’ve tried to convince myself that a really nice guy is exactly what I deserve… but there’s something that’s just not there, even though the sex is fantastic. I find myself picking the side of the table at restaurants so I have a good view of the crowd and while he is rambling away, I am checking out the room.

When my last boyfriend dumped me and said, “I just never loved you,” I was furious. But now I understand the situation he was in.

Where have all my morals gone?

All of a sudden… I have a second, third, fourth communication in my little online dating world!!

Are these guys gearing up for Valentine’s Day, or what?

One guy seemed really interesting, lives near me… and we volleyed back and forth a bit, with me asking most of the questions, him answering, me giving my answer to my own questions and asking him more questions.

This grew really tiring.

He never gave me his name, even though I gave him mine… and seemed rather elusive in some of his responses… I gave him my email address but he continued to email me through the service. Oh, and he gave me the same old line I’ve heard dozens of times: “I’m new to this.”

Yeah.

One of the other guys who made contact was, in my opinion, way too young for me, and another is someone who must have forgotten he contacted me a month ago, when I politely declined to communicate with him then.

I did get a message or two from the guy who caught my eye the other night though. He doesn’t have a pic posted, so I don’t know what he even looks like.

I’m not necessarily looking for excitement in a relationship, though in my last post I said Lucas was boring… I know that the prospect of a budding relationship is full of great feelings… but what I’m looking for is stability, familiarity, CHEMISTRY. And I’m looking for a man who takes charge in all the right ways… the right ways for me. I want to parent my children and run my life, but I don’t want to feel superior to a man. I want someone who will step up and be rock solid, who won’t bully or patronize me.

Lucas offers some of that, but fleetingly. For the most part he is just too eager to please me, and it’s not a quality I find endearing unless it’s coming from my kids!

I think I have pretty much decided to explore. I don’t want to hurt Lucas, and I don’t want to throw away my chances with him. I just don’t know. I think if I were completely honest with him, he’d allow himself to be strung along, and I’d have even less respect for him.

I didn’t know it was possible to find a guy who was TOO sensitive and attentive. Lucas was in a horrible marriage for six-plus years, married his wife only because he knocked her up and it was the “right thing” to do; I would have thought he’d be at least a little calloused. Or cautious. Or more mature. Or SOMETHING.

He must have gotten laid a lot during his marriage though, because even when I don’t feel emotionally connected to him, he can really turn it on.

Crossroads

I haven’t written for a while because there wasn’t much to write about.

I’ve been seeing Lucas. He’s a good guy, great guy even, but I’ve been keeping at bay getting our kids together. I just… I’m just not sure about him. The sex is great, I enjoy his company, but I have some kind of hangup I can’t put into words.

I am still signed on with one of the online dating sites I joined. My online exploits have been very quiet, but the other day, I got a message from a man who turns out to live very near me and we’ve been communicating. Compared to Lucas, he’s more ambitious, more successful.

I feel some guilt… Lucas is so very into me, and I like him a lot. But after a couple months of seeing him, I just don’t see long-term prospects. I try not to be judgmental, but he seems to be well below me in the area of professional, emotional and educational advancement.

So, I’m faced with the decision of moving on or sticking it out.

I don’t know if I should do a little dating on the sly, or make a break and spare him from whatever. We haven’t really talked about the status or our relationship or agreed to be exclusive, but I get the feeling he thinks I am it for him.

I almost broke up with him recently, before the communication with the new guy, but I chickened out and have not been entirely unhappy with him. I told him some of my concerns, and it seems he is very eager to please me and made many changes. Which…. well, that is something I’m not used to. If someone were to tell me he was unhappy with XY and Z, I would tell him to take a hike.

I want to be honest. But this is only a remote possibility with this other guy. Part of me thinks, if I am thinking this way, I should probably give Lucas the truth, but at the same time, I just don’t know about him, maybe he could be a great prospect and I’m just being self-absorbed.

I think I owe it to myself to explore, lest I have regrets, but I just don’t know how to proceed. I have a nice, wonderful, boring guy on my hands, a guy who I impress by cooking a mere meatloaf, a good-hearted guy who manages a retail store, or the option to explore something a little more challenging: A CEO-consultant-professor without kids who lives in a neighborhood I could never afford to live in.

FUCK. ME.