And the nominees are…

Lucas called me tonight while I was rifling through responses to my newest online ad. What fucking timing.

I started to feel like a girlfriend looking to get out… that I should break it off with him before pursuing this… and then I reminded myself: I’M DATING. This is all part of it. He has potential, and I’m still letting him be in on the game. It is not necessary or prudent to tell him about the rest of my plays.

Some of the responses I’ve gotten from the ad:

From John:
I’m a capricorn (dec) didn’t realize that was a must to be a leo. When’s your birthday…I have a present 4 you

I googled this guy’s email address… holy shit, he is listed on every dating site known to man, including ones written in French and some outside the U.S. If he can’t get a date in his own back yard, he ain’t getting one with me.

From Dave:
Hi’ I’am 6′1″205 althletic build broad shoulder’s,stay in shape work on all my vehicle’s.Laid back great sense of humor.Hate to fight,open door’s for my lady.Like to bargain shop clothes, food an like to cook just for 2.I heated my house with 2 wood burner’s.Have every tool you can think of .Just a all around good guy. Handsome also,clean cut.Play well with other’s.Age 44,don’t smoke,drink or do drug’s.Don’t like drama,negative people.Take care

Shoulder’s? Vehicle’s? Door’s? Someone needs to tell Dave he’s possessed. And that his computer likely has a space bar. And that he needs a drink.

From Paul:
Hello!
I am single 36 no kids.
I am 6’ tall 170 lbs blondish short hair clean cut with hazel eyes.
I love to play pool and darts. Dive bars are way more fun!
I love to cook and recently remodeled my kitchen.
Lets chat.

“Lets.” I still took the bait.

From Robert:
maybe you found him

I found a profile for this guy, and he is not only a “Hardware Technition,” but he is “finally seperated from the bitch.” Think I’ll pass on that. I (heart) Google.

From John:
Looking
Well you have found your leo, do you put your own worm on the hook? You answer determines my interest…..
You can not look as much as an ass on the driving range as me.

Mention golf and any idiot will answer. “You” grammar determines my interest.

From Joey:
Well lets see, was born aug 7, 1975. So that makes me a leo, also makes me 32. Love to sleep in on saturdays, then again love to sleep in everyday cause i work steady 3-11’s. But let me just stop there, if u would like me to keep going let me know

YAWN. I graduated from that work schedule many years ago.

From David:
Do you mean you are looking for a Leo as in the astrological sign or a Leo as in DiCaprio? If the first is your choice, I may just fit the bill of what you are looking for. I’ll gladly share more if you like, including a pic, but can I ask a question first? If you are looking for a Leo (sign) why? Why a Leo?

Took the bait on this one too. Anyone who asks me a question is fair game.

From Ron:
could u send a pic of yourself i will send one in return.

This guy emails me every time I put up an ad. I take it he’s still not found a girlfriend. I take it there’s a reason for that.

From Craig:
Hello,
I read your’ post and thought I’d respond!!! I’m late 30’s 37 to be exact! In shape,drink socially, love the outdoors and have my life together!! I’m not a spam bott and am for real. I would love to just have one person that’s for real respond on here??? I’m just looking for someone new to befriend and see where it goes! I don’t need a fwb or have any desires to play any stupid games!!! So, please just be normal and respond!!1 LOL

I am normal, and I was so hoping for a spam bot. Not much hope here. What the hell is a fwb?

From Louis:
written to perfection. bravo , reply and ill lay mine on you

Lay it on me, Lou. Don’t work too hard on the typing skillz.

Taking another shot

After finishing up a weekend with Lucas, I just thought I would throw this ad out there, back to my roots of non-paid-for dating ads:

Looking for my Leo

He’s in his mid to late 30s, early 40s, enjoys kids, maybe has kids, is funny and looks after his health. He can leave his work at work, sleep late on Saturdays, start a campfire, change his own oil.

He’s looking for a smart woman, professional, laid back. Someone who can pitch darts at a dive bar, cook a great Sunday dinner, make an ass of herself at a driving range, keeps her fishing license up-to-date.

I kept it simple. I think it’s a little close-minded, too detailed, but at the same time, I’ve never dated a Leo, and what better way to try than combing through anonymous emails of men who AREN’T Leos??

Everyone is doing it!

I’ve been surfing around other blogs that address online dating, and I noticed a recurring theme: Match.com seems to be the medium of choice.

I was using a less restrictive — FREE — service, but I decided to check out Match. And I ended up signing up. Two days later, someone is asking for a date!! Holy shit, who knew on Tuesday I might have a date on Friday?

I don’t like working this fast though… the other service kind of forced you to take your time, email, find out stuff you wanted to know. I’m not so sure I want to agree to a date based on some bubble form someone filled out.

Funny thing though… I discovered my recent ex is listed on Match. The same ex that I tell everyone was the love of my life, but we had to split up because he said his children weren’t ready for him to date. A friend asked me if maybe that was an old profile from before he started seeing me. Could be…. but he’s updated it with photos he took while in a relationship with me. Particularly a cropped version of a phone pic he sent me before he got in the shower one morning. To which I responded with a good boob shot.

That kinda hurt.

Sooooo….. I called him. Because I’m masochistic like that. What’s up? I see you’re ready to date after all!

And he told me, “I just never really loved you.”

Ooooh, that kinda hurt too. Considering he told me over and over that he was waiting for me all his life and was going to get me a ring for Christmas.

It was a blow, and I’m not sure if I had been any more cautious about dating via the internet that I could have prevented it. I am going to keep things in perspective, keep on keeping on.

Scored a date

I was sitting here this afternoon wondering just who I was going to ask to the game. Dad? Brother? Ex?

So what the hell, I said to myself. I’m going to get me a real date. So I turned to one of my favorite online classifieds and posted:

I have tix to tonight’s game. Looking for someone interested in more than hockey. Here’s MY goal for you:

1. You should be over 5′9, please don’t flub even a half inch, LOL.

2. Like, have, or generally enjoy children; even though they won’t be at the game, we’ll think of them at times. And might mention them to each other.

3. Don’t mind paying an arm and a leg for a beer. You must like to enjoy the game this way and surrender an arm or a leg to me. To keep me warm. So I can enjoy  my beer.

4. Know your way to the arena, come pick me up in reliable vehicle.

5. Must be of a healthy weight. Overweight is fine by a few pounds. Hard bodies need not apply, unless you can cover up that shit during my office party. Gals get jealous.

6. Must be 30-45 and dig sports some. If you are outside this age range by a few years, you can apply for an exemption. If you hate hockey, forget it. Really. I barely understand it and would rather attend with someone who will answer the few questions I have between nacho runs.

7. Be honest. I need a date. You want to go to a game. Let’s not waste each other’s time. Respond to this ad and tell me why you should take me to the game.

I was amazed by the quick responses. I chose the last one.

im 6′ 195,37,italian with a great smile who loves hockey. live in the area. of course i’d pay for the evening,but if only we have some fun later

i have pics also. can you describe yourself? i couldnt be out in public with someone who isnt attractive lol

—————————————

How do you feel about bigger guys?

I am 36 y.o.(separated)MWM some say that I am built like a linebacker (about 6′2″ 325 lbs.) i have very short brown hair(with more gray than I would like) in fact I shave my head once or twice a week, not because I am going bald, in fact I have a full head of hair, I just like the “low maintenance” of having short hair. Oh, and I have a goa-tee.

If this interests you please let me know so we can chat and I can send you a pic.

—————————————

OKAY SO I WAS READING YOUR POST AND IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW.  OK WELL I DONT THINK IM GONG TO MAKE THE CUT BUT I  HAVE TO TRY
I LOVE HOCKEY AND BEEN TO ALOT OF GAMES. I AM 26 5′8 ,I OWN A HOUSE NORTH OF THE CITY .. WELL LET ME KNOW IF I HAVE A CHANCE I DO HAVE A PIC THAT I CAN SEND

—————————————

im all the above but im 27, but im very mature for my age………..still intertested….i’ll be raking leaves so gimma a call if you are….XXX-XXX-XXXX………

—————————————

Hi, Great Post!!!! Here is my best shot to accompany you to the hockey game. MY name is Steve and you can call me directly at XXX-XXX-XXXX, if I am the lucky chosen one.

I am exactly 5′ 9″

Have 4 kids…Also have season tics. Gave them to a guy at work for tonight. He is taking his daughter…Would love to go to the game with you… Next time, my treat?

I am not cheap..Enjoy the game with a few beers..Not a problem. Would definately enjoy sharing myself with you, Love touching and cuddling.

Go to the arena all the time. Have Navigation in my car. Drive a Lexus. Will take me right to your front door.

I weigh about 195. My ideal weight is around 180

Asking for an exemption here, I am 48, but alot of fun , a great guy, and will treat you right.

I LOVE HOCKEY!!! and would love to find a lady to go to games with that also enjoys life and some of the same things that I do. PLEASE SELECT ME……….

Thanx

—————————————

Hello,

My names David, and I love hockey.  I havent been able to get to a game in quite a few years, and Ive been thinking of trying to get to one sometime soon.   i am 25, so i guess im applying for an exemption on that one, and i dont drive.  But i guess if your hard up for someone to go with, let me know

—————————————

sounds like a fun night, tell me what you look like or send me a pic and i will send one in return.

—————————————

HI, I’M MIKE. I AM 33, WHITE MALE. HERE IS SOME
REASONS YOU SHOULD PICK ME.
1. I LOVE HOCKEY.
2. I AM A TRUE GENTLEMAN AND I’LL SUPPLY THE BEER ALL
NIGHT.
3. I KNOW MY WAY AROUND VERY WELL.
I WAS GOING TO TRY AND GET TICKETS TONIGHT, BUT MAYBE
NOW I CAN ENJOY YOUR COMPANY TONIGHT.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

—————————————

I saw your ad for tonight and was drawn to the
honesty, sarcasm, and humor.

1.  5 foot 9.5 inches.

2.  I enjoy children.  Maybe because they are at my
maturity level.  I have no children.  Three nephews,
one niece, one step-nephew, two step-nieces, and lots
of friend’s children who scream “UNCLE G” when I am in
the house.

3.  That is the deal.  But loading up on cheap ones
before hand and sneaking a few in under the winter
coats in part of the right plan.

4. I think I can pull it off.
I made it through college in 6.5 years so how hard
could this be for me….?
My 2004 Ford Ranger should make it.

5. Around 180 pounds.  Light brown hair, blue eyes,
and an easy smile.

6. 39 and I like sports and love conversation and
teaching.

7. Because I would almost rather you did not have
tickets because I love to scalp!  I love to haggle.
You meet such interesting people.  And you would get
to play the angry woman who does not want to go to the
game and is upset that this is how I am forcing you to
spend your birthday night and blowing the last of our
money on a stupid hockey game.  Also I am all about
having fun.  If you can not have fun doing it why
bother?  It has always been more about having fun than
the “where” for me.  I can not guarantee much more
than that you will laugh.

My name is Greg.

PS – I attached an image of me and three transvestite
friends at a game.
Just kiddin’.
I am the non-transvestite on the left.

—————————————

must be a fatass….. yawns…..

—————————————

Hi I am 26 years old, I work in the Information Technology field. I am
interested in meeting new people. I can always make someone smile and
laugh. I am 5′ 11′ and have a few extra pounds. I am really in to
sports no matter what it is. I
enjoying hitting the links every so often and have recently achieved
breaking 100. I can have fun staying in and watching a movie or going
out on the town or local dive bar. I am also continuing my
education by getting certifications in my field. I enjoy going to
concerts of any kind but mostly rock(old or new).
Anything else you want to know just send me a message.
I look forward to hearing from you.

PS. Also a big hockey fan in several fantasy hockey leagues and play dek
hockey.

—————————————

Hey, I just read your post and wanted to see if you were still looking for a great date.  Well if you still are, I would be a great choice, I am good looking and a gentleman..  I love hockey and more importanly I am looking to meet a cool gal..

Lets talk if you are interested…

David

—————————————

Well were to start? My name is Fred, I am 35 years old I am 6’3” and built like a football player. I work for the state as a CO. I was born in TX and grew up in England and was raised as a gentleman, and yes I open doors and help ladies with their coats. I have always had difficulty with asking women for dates, because I was once a MP in the Army and now I am a Corrections Officer I can be just a little intimidating, and I can never tell if the lady I am asking is saying yes because they are scared of me or they really want to go out. I am not in to sport but will watch a game if the lady I am with wants to, growing up in England I never got in to US sports.

I have been told from my family and friends that I am a hope less romantic and that I have a big hart. I have a lot of love to give to the right women, but I have a hard time talking to women. I am looking for a lady that can love, a lady who dose not think romance means expensive gifts, a lady that love kids and would like to have some one day. My idea of the perfect night is to snuggle up on the sofa under a blanket with a good wine and a good movie. I like the outdoors, like camping, hiking, long drives just to get lost. I love holding hands as we are walking down the street, kissing on a park bench….

I am sorry but I have to tell the truth I am not looking for someone that is extremely over weight and not to skinny, I also have a little meat on my bones too. I would like to find a lady that would like to start a family, and if she has kids already then no more then 1. Well after this you’re probably asleep.

Love Fred

—————————————

OK This ad peaked my interest.  Let me go through your list here and lets see if I fit the bill.  I am somewhere around 5′11 about 6ft in my boots.  I have 2 kids an I love kids.  I do mind paying and arm and a leg for watered down beer but I do it because I love hockey.  I know my way around town better than most people.  I use to be a field service tech and went company to company fixing networks and computers.  I’m also of healthy weight, I’m 170 lbs and in pretty good condition considering I still play hockey myself.  I understand hockey backwards and forwards and have been playing for around 23 years so I can explain everything about the game or just the questions you might have.  I am also in the age range at 32 years old.

I am being completely honest with you about everything.  As for the reason why you should take me take a look at the picture I am attaching.  You will see from the picture on my upper right arm I have a tattoo of the team logo, so I am a fan hands down.  What better reason should anyone need? LOL

Now the only problem is you said nothing about you in your ad.  No Age, No description, No anything…What about you??? And why should I go with you to the game aside from the fact that you have the tickets LOL.

Maybe I will hear from you…

—————————————

wana fuck u without taking you to the hockey

—————————————

You should take me.  Here’s why:

I have a reliable car.  A muscle car it is not, but it will get us there.   You won’t even have to moive my stuff out of the way to get in the passenger seat.

I understand the game of hockey.  Don’t know a whole lot about the current team roster, but i do know the game.  I played from kindergarten through college.

I’m fun, even for a 38 year old.

I don’t have much to do toinght.

I’m a great dad to one little girl, but she’s with her mom tonight.

I have beer money and a superfluous third arm.  You can have it, I don’t even want it back.  I might have a hard time giving up my leg.

I attached my pic.  Please send one back if you are interested.

If by some miracle, you do reply to me, don’t be alarmed if I don’t respond in 2 seconds.  Today is leaf raking day.

New ad

I really wasn’t getting what I wanted from the previous ad, so I posted another, more direct one tonight. I worry that I didn’t include an age, but as they say…. age is a number?

READ THE FINE PRINT

You’ve been hurt. Bad. You love kids. Maybe you have kids. You are looking at these ads thinking, what BS. This is so much like going to a bar. I’m just going to go to the bar.

Yeah, well, so have a lot of people out there!

Get off your ass and email me!

I have a couple of rugrats, I’d prefer if you have one or two young ones yourself, but it’s not a requirement. This ain’t a Brady Bunch episode.

I’d like to meet a guy who is confident but not cocky, likes what he does for living, likes to get outside and who comes from a family he gets along well with. Ideally, he will be over 5′9″, a healthy weight, can hold his liquor and can grill his butt off.

Me: I am professional(ish), relatively normal, no more car payment, own my own home, tat-free and just a few grades shy of earthy. Not so much opinionated but I have my act together. I’m not hard on the eyes.

Having a lot of trouble finding the right person, so please reply only if you think you can handle it.

Baggage optional and acceptable. Only well-qualified buyers need apply. Taxes and tags additional. Guaranteed or your money back. Limited time offer. Only while supplies last.

Did I hear him yawn over the internet?

I don’t know what struck me about this ad, but it’s the only one I’ve actually answered so far. After his well-thought out post, and his request for a well-thought out reply, I either failed miserably or I caught him at a bad time.

Do you read personal ads and laugh? – 34

Well I do! I don’t need my daily joke page anymore. “I’m an out of work, out of shape, vagrant with unattractive privates looking for a rich person to support me and buy me crap, BTW I am saving myself for marriage” COME ON- ROFLMAO

Me on the other hand…..
I am well beyond the NSA stage in life and am looking for a woman of enough intelligence not to tell the world that she just wants to get laid. I would like to meet women who wants to develop friendships and monogamous relationships based on attraction and similarity. If I want a disease I can go to the CDC and hang out by the dumpster.

I am the 34 year old, divorced, male. Educated, successful business owner, full head of blonde hair, average build, …blah blah blah (I could tell you anything here and it really wont make a difference, like I’m going to claim to be fat, unemployed and stoned?? – Truth is I am none of those.) Hobbies include basic 34 year old guy crap: sports, local bars, reading stupid [personal] ads, fine dining (which has nothing to do with Applbee’s), whole bunch of other junk that makes me sound good to you. Basically I am single guy…you get the picture, I hope.

What I’m hoping to find: A single or divorced or otherwise not attached woman within 10 years of my age (34). My desires are that you are intelligent (yes that means you have education beyond 11th grade), employed (or otherwise self sufficient – while I make decent living I am not looking for a woman who cannot stand on her own 2 feet), attractive (I am fit, clean and good looking- I hope for the same; I understand that there are a lot of BBW’s in this world, but honestly I am not interested in dating someone whom is substantially overweight), goal oriented (have something in your life that you are hoping to achieve and be driven toward it), willing to try new things and share her interests (I have a ton of things I like to do and would love to share my fun times with you) – I could go on and on, but I think the right woman will get the picture.

I don’t use illegal drugs and will not tolerate them. I do drink socially. Yes- I have pictures of myself and am willing to email them. I would love to see your’s but that is not a prerequisite for my response- a well thought out reply is.

To: davep
From: TODP
Subject: your ad

I feel like I know you already! LOL

Where’s your favorite place for fine dining?

Do you have children?

I’m 34, I don’t know about calling myself WELL-educated (graduated from a state univeristy) but I’m making my way through the business of life in a successful manner. I’m a bit of a smartass, but that’s my defense mechanism for all this intelligence that was supposedly instilled by the system of higher education.

Which would totally, like, you know, be the opposite of someone who is, like, perusing personal ads.

To: TOPD
From: davep
Subject: Re: your ad

My favorite restaurant is in Las vegas , Delmonico .
Yes i have a little girl that i see every other weekend, how about yourself?
Do you have a pic? I will send mine

Hmmmm. Well-thought responses, out the window. And his custody arrangement is a little lacking.

To: davep
From: TODP
Subject: your ad

I have two children, a girl and a boy. My favorite restaurant was a pizza place in Fort Lauderdale that has since closed. DAMMIT.

I have a pic, however, I’m about to go to bed and I am quite drowsy. Not to mention cold. I’m not happy about this weather.

You seem a little angry in your ad… are you just having bad dating luck or what? It was a funny ad nonetheless….

To: TOPD
From: davep
Subject: Re: your ad

Not angry just bored, thought i would post an ad and see what happens, have a nice night, hope to see a pic from you tomorrow

To: davep
From: TODP
Subject: your ad

What kind of work do you do?

To: TOPD
From: davep
Subject: Re: your ad

Director of [something about computers]

To: davep
From: TODP
Subject: your ad

Do you like it?

To: TOPD
From: davep
Subject: Re: your ad

sure it is fun and enjoyable? you?

To: davep
From: TODP
Subject: your ad

I am [doing my job]. I like the work… most of the time.

Are you always up this late?

To: TOPD
From: davep
Subject: Re: your ad

yeah usually, how about you? got a pic?

Funny posting, laced with exasperation, not a lot of interest in interacting other than to find out if I’m a hot babe. So much for his looking for a little intelligence. I think I’ll end this one here. I have obviously not floated this guy’s boat.

It all starts here

I posted to a personals site:

Pizza! Beer! – 34

I’m interested in finding someone who loves kids, gets the most out of life. Not afraid to fail and/or try again. Must love to watch football, other sports optional but a bonus. Must tolerate family-oriented stuff.

My faves: Camping, fishing, lounging at home and weekend road trips. Cooking and entertaining friends and family. Driving fast on curvy roads. Playing cards and darts with friends. Finding reasons to get the sitter out of her house.

Must enjoy talking (hey, I’m a woman, remember!!) and long walks to the basement and back. If you can change your own oil, like 90s alternative music and don’t read instructions when putting together toys, we really should talk.