I’m baaaack….

Well, Lucas and I have been dating for about 10 months now.

I don’t want to say I’m bored with the relationship, because I’m not. I just don’t feel he is The One. He is a good person… full of insecurities, but he is loyal and kind and overall helpful.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I could live the rest of my life with a good man who I wasn’t really in love with. I do love him, and I care about him a great deal. The sex is great. But… there’s an element missing that, after 10 months, I can definitely say is a great obstacle to me ever progressing with him. I have no desire to move in with him, marry him, grow old with him.

I’ve struggled over the summer with my feelings. HE’S A GOOD GUY, I kept telling myself. I still do. And he is. But part of me feels like I am settling. And part of me is ashamed for thinking I’m all that and deserve better than him.

Is there such a thing as finding true love and living happily ever after? Or are stability and predictability the best I can hope for as I raise two children as a single mom?

I’ve felt stronger feelings in past relationships… but they obviously haven’t worked out. I think this is the longest I’ve been in a relationship where I’ve had the upper hand… meaning, I’m not the one with the stronger feelings.

I don’t particularly like being put on a pedestal if I am not reciprocating. And I don’t like the constant struggle to figure out why I’m just not feeling it for this guy. Every day, I start the conversation in my head: “It’s not you… it’s me….”

And I think it IS me, and him, but I don’t know why it’s not working. And it’s not worry of hurting him or guilt that has kept me around…. though I do feel those things. There’s just something lacking there, that one spark, that one feeling of certainty that I know this guy has my back AND can make sound decisions in my best interests because he knows me so well. And I keep waiting for an a-ha moment, some clarity. I just don’t think we know each other that well, and something in our communication is lacking and preventing that area of intimacy from happening.

Lucas and I have four kids between us, and we all have a lot of fun together and there’s sappy ol’ adoration among all of us. We’re not as cohesive as we could be, and I have been kind of holding off on working on that because I’ve been so uncertain about our relationship.

Which brings me to the dilemma of… JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

I want out. And in.

Well….

I’ve been messing around with some of my online dating subscriptions, but I decided finally today to cancel them.

My heart just isn’t in it anymore, even for the laughs.

I think I’ve really fallen for Lucas over the past few months.

As much fun as it was flirting online with strangers, I met only a handful of men in person, and there was just no connection. I think I hung on to my online persona as long as I did so I could give myself options… I was very unsure of Lucas at first. He seemed… way too nice, too eager to please.

But we’re kind of mixing up our lives here now, and involving children, (and our kids get along famously!), and talking about serious issues instead of what brand of condoms we prefer. As If That Mattered. Wow, he is awesome in bed. You’d never think it if you knew him… he’s just so damn sweet.

I don’t know if this is the guy for me. If he isn’t, I’ll be back in business here on my blog in no time. But in the meantime, I’m going to explore the possibilities and give the online dating world a chance to turn over in case I’m back.

But I’ve reached the point where I can’t in good faith feel out other men… I think… yes… that I’m well on my way to being in love!

He is so wonderful with my kids, and I love his girls. That is something that has been a major issue in my past relationships… there was never a breakthrough, never complete acceptance of a boyfriend or a girlfriend coming on board. But with Lucas, I can see the possibility — POSSIBILITY — of someday waking up on a Saturday morning with four kids at the foot of our bed watching cartoons and giggling about nothing.

I’ll try to update from time to time, success or no success. We’ve reached our first major milestone though: I gave him a key to my house.

Be safe out there

I went to court today to be a witness in my stalking case. It was very surreal.

When I walked into the nondescript building on the side of a nondescript road, I walked into a nondescript room buzzing with people from all walks of life.

I don’t know much about the operations of the justice system, but throughout the hour I sat there, I came to realize that all cases heard in this tiny courtroom were criminal. There was the mother-daughter team caught stealing from a department store, a guy accused of harassment who had to turn over a computer card filled with photos, a woman who sat waiting for her friend to get out on bail, and plenty of lawyers wheeling suitcases, meeting their clients for the first time.

Oh, and the place was littered with police officers, security guards, constables, troopers.

It took me a while to get over the feeling that I had been dropped there from outer space. And once I almost got over it, a door opened, and a man in shackles came out and passed through the room very close to me. And later another. Then another. And another.

I thought of “Silence of the Lambs,” when Jodie Foster’s character goes down the row of cells and is leered at and spit on. Only…. there were no bars between me and these guys. And it’s not often that I’m the most attractive girl in the room. Not often at all.

And then one of the guys who was previously shackled came out and sat down, sans chains and handcuffs. OK, someone thought that was a good idea, but couldn’t they let him go out the back door??

Be careful who you date. Mac seemed very normal when I first started emailing him, and even after a few dates. It wasn’t until I gave him the “I would like to pursue another relationship” spiel that he started — for months on end — relentlessly contacting me through every means possible.

His lawyer’s defense? He said, chuckling: “This guy’s in love with you.”

I don’t think it’s so funny. Not when law enforcement must get involved.

And the nominees are…

Lucas called me tonight while I was rifling through responses to my newest online ad. What fucking timing.

I started to feel like a girlfriend looking to get out… that I should break it off with him before pursuing this… and then I reminded myself: I’M DATING. This is all part of it. He has potential, and I’m still letting him be in on the game. It is not necessary or prudent to tell him about the rest of my plays.

Some of the responses I’ve gotten from the ad:

From John:
I’m a capricorn (dec) didn’t realize that was a must to be a leo. When’s your birthday…I have a present 4 you

I googled this guy’s email address… holy shit, he is listed on every dating site known to man, including ones written in French and some outside the U.S. If he can’t get a date in his own back yard, he ain’t getting one with me.

From Dave:
Hi’ I’am 6′1″205 althletic build broad shoulder’s,stay in shape work on all my vehicle’s.Laid back great sense of humor.Hate to fight,open door’s for my lady.Like to bargain shop clothes, food an like to cook just for 2.I heated my house with 2 wood burner’s.Have every tool you can think of .Just a all around good guy. Handsome also,clean cut.Play well with other’s.Age 44,don’t smoke,drink or do drug’s.Don’t like drama,negative people.Take care

Shoulder’s? Vehicle’s? Door’s? Someone needs to tell Dave he’s possessed. And that his computer likely has a space bar. And that he needs a drink.

From Paul:
Hello!
I am single 36 no kids.
I am 6’ tall 170 lbs blondish short hair clean cut with hazel eyes.
I love to play pool and darts. Dive bars are way more fun!
I love to cook and recently remodeled my kitchen.
Lets chat.

“Lets.” I still took the bait.

From Robert:
maybe you found him

I found a profile for this guy, and he is not only a “Hardware Technition,” but he is “finally seperated from the bitch.” Think I’ll pass on that. I (heart) Google.

From John:
Looking
Well you have found your leo, do you put your own worm on the hook? You answer determines my interest…..
You can not look as much as an ass on the driving range as me.

Mention golf and any idiot will answer. “You” grammar determines my interest.

From Joey:
Well lets see, was born aug 7, 1975. So that makes me a leo, also makes me 32. Love to sleep in on saturdays, then again love to sleep in everyday cause i work steady 3-11’s. But let me just stop there, if u would like me to keep going let me know

YAWN. I graduated from that work schedule many years ago.

From David:
Do you mean you are looking for a Leo as in the astrological sign or a Leo as in DiCaprio? If the first is your choice, I may just fit the bill of what you are looking for. I’ll gladly share more if you like, including a pic, but can I ask a question first? If you are looking for a Leo (sign) why? Why a Leo?

Took the bait on this one too. Anyone who asks me a question is fair game.

From Ron:
could u send a pic of yourself i will send one in return.

This guy emails me every time I put up an ad. I take it he’s still not found a girlfriend. I take it there’s a reason for that.

From Craig:
Hello,
I read your’ post and thought I’d respond!!! I’m late 30’s 37 to be exact! In shape,drink socially, love the outdoors and have my life together!! I’m not a spam bott and am for real. I would love to just have one person that’s for real respond on here??? I’m just looking for someone new to befriend and see where it goes! I don’t need a fwb or have any desires to play any stupid games!!! So, please just be normal and respond!!1 LOL

I am normal, and I was so hoping for a spam bot. Not much hope here. What the hell is a fwb?

From Louis:
written to perfection. bravo , reply and ill lay mine on you

Lay it on me, Lou. Don’t work too hard on the typing skillz.

Scored a date

I was sitting here this afternoon wondering just who I was going to ask to the game. Dad? Brother? Ex?

So what the hell, I said to myself. I’m going to get me a real date. So I turned to one of my favorite online classifieds and posted:

I have tix to tonight’s game. Looking for someone interested in more than hockey. Here’s MY goal for you:

1. You should be over 5′9, please don’t flub even a half inch, LOL.

2. Like, have, or generally enjoy children; even though they won’t be at the game, we’ll think of them at times. And might mention them to each other.

3. Don’t mind paying an arm and a leg for a beer. You must like to enjoy the game this way and surrender an arm or a leg to me. To keep me warm. So I can enjoy  my beer.

4. Know your way to the arena, come pick me up in reliable vehicle.

5. Must be of a healthy weight. Overweight is fine by a few pounds. Hard bodies need not apply, unless you can cover up that shit during my office party. Gals get jealous.

6. Must be 30-45 and dig sports some. If you are outside this age range by a few years, you can apply for an exemption. If you hate hockey, forget it. Really. I barely understand it and would rather attend with someone who will answer the few questions I have between nacho runs.

7. Be honest. I need a date. You want to go to a game. Let’s not waste each other’s time. Respond to this ad and tell me why you should take me to the game.

I was amazed by the quick responses. I chose the last one.

im 6′ 195,37,italian with a great smile who loves hockey. live in the area. of course i’d pay for the evening,but if only we have some fun later

i have pics also. can you describe yourself? i couldnt be out in public with someone who isnt attractive lol

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How do you feel about bigger guys?

I am 36 y.o.(separated)MWM some say that I am built like a linebacker (about 6′2″ 325 lbs.) i have very short brown hair(with more gray than I would like) in fact I shave my head once or twice a week, not because I am going bald, in fact I have a full head of hair, I just like the “low maintenance” of having short hair. Oh, and I have a goa-tee.

If this interests you please let me know so we can chat and I can send you a pic.

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OKAY SO I WAS READING YOUR POST AND IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW.  OK WELL I DONT THINK IM GONG TO MAKE THE CUT BUT I  HAVE TO TRY
I LOVE HOCKEY AND BEEN TO ALOT OF GAMES. I AM 26 5′8 ,I OWN A HOUSE NORTH OF THE CITY .. WELL LET ME KNOW IF I HAVE A CHANCE I DO HAVE A PIC THAT I CAN SEND

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im all the above but im 27, but im very mature for my age………..still intertested….i’ll be raking leaves so gimma a call if you are….XXX-XXX-XXXX………

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Hi, Great Post!!!! Here is my best shot to accompany you to the hockey game. MY name is Steve and you can call me directly at XXX-XXX-XXXX, if I am the lucky chosen one.

I am exactly 5′ 9″

Have 4 kids…Also have season tics. Gave them to a guy at work for tonight. He is taking his daughter…Would love to go to the game with you… Next time, my treat?

I am not cheap..Enjoy the game with a few beers..Not a problem. Would definately enjoy sharing myself with you, Love touching and cuddling.

Go to the arena all the time. Have Navigation in my car. Drive a Lexus. Will take me right to your front door.

I weigh about 195. My ideal weight is around 180

Asking for an exemption here, I am 48, but alot of fun , a great guy, and will treat you right.

I LOVE HOCKEY!!! and would love to find a lady to go to games with that also enjoys life and some of the same things that I do. PLEASE SELECT ME……….

Thanx

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Hello,

My names David, and I love hockey.  I havent been able to get to a game in quite a few years, and Ive been thinking of trying to get to one sometime soon.   i am 25, so i guess im applying for an exemption on that one, and i dont drive.  But i guess if your hard up for someone to go with, let me know

—————————————

sounds like a fun night, tell me what you look like or send me a pic and i will send one in return.

—————————————

HI, I’M MIKE. I AM 33, WHITE MALE. HERE IS SOME
REASONS YOU SHOULD PICK ME.
1. I LOVE HOCKEY.
2. I AM A TRUE GENTLEMAN AND I’LL SUPPLY THE BEER ALL
NIGHT.
3. I KNOW MY WAY AROUND VERY WELL.
I WAS GOING TO TRY AND GET TICKETS TONIGHT, BUT MAYBE
NOW I CAN ENJOY YOUR COMPANY TONIGHT.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

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I saw your ad for tonight and was drawn to the
honesty, sarcasm, and humor.

1.  5 foot 9.5 inches.

2.  I enjoy children.  Maybe because they are at my
maturity level.  I have no children.  Three nephews,
one niece, one step-nephew, two step-nieces, and lots
of friend’s children who scream “UNCLE G” when I am in
the house.

3.  That is the deal.  But loading up on cheap ones
before hand and sneaking a few in under the winter
coats in part of the right plan.

4. I think I can pull it off.
I made it through college in 6.5 years so how hard
could this be for me….?
My 2004 Ford Ranger should make it.

5. Around 180 pounds.  Light brown hair, blue eyes,
and an easy smile.

6. 39 and I like sports and love conversation and
teaching.

7. Because I would almost rather you did not have
tickets because I love to scalp!  I love to haggle.
You meet such interesting people.  And you would get
to play the angry woman who does not want to go to the
game and is upset that this is how I am forcing you to
spend your birthday night and blowing the last of our
money on a stupid hockey game.  Also I am all about
having fun.  If you can not have fun doing it why
bother?  It has always been more about having fun than
the “where” for me.  I can not guarantee much more
than that you will laugh.

My name is Greg.

PS – I attached an image of me and three transvestite
friends at a game.
Just kiddin’.
I am the non-transvestite on the left.

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must be a fatass….. yawns…..

—————————————

Hi I am 26 years old, I work in the Information Technology field. I am
interested in meeting new people. I can always make someone smile and
laugh. I am 5′ 11′ and have a few extra pounds. I am really in to
sports no matter what it is. I
enjoying hitting the links every so often and have recently achieved
breaking 100. I can have fun staying in and watching a movie or going
out on the town or local dive bar. I am also continuing my
education by getting certifications in my field. I enjoy going to
concerts of any kind but mostly rock(old or new).
Anything else you want to know just send me a message.
I look forward to hearing from you.

PS. Also a big hockey fan in several fantasy hockey leagues and play dek
hockey.

—————————————

Hey, I just read your post and wanted to see if you were still looking for a great date.  Well if you still are, I would be a great choice, I am good looking and a gentleman..  I love hockey and more importanly I am looking to meet a cool gal..

Lets talk if you are interested…

David

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Well were to start? My name is Fred, I am 35 years old I am 6’3” and built like a football player. I work for the state as a CO. I was born in TX and grew up in England and was raised as a gentleman, and yes I open doors and help ladies with their coats. I have always had difficulty with asking women for dates, because I was once a MP in the Army and now I am a Corrections Officer I can be just a little intimidating, and I can never tell if the lady I am asking is saying yes because they are scared of me or they really want to go out. I am not in to sport but will watch a game if the lady I am with wants to, growing up in England I never got in to US sports.

I have been told from my family and friends that I am a hope less romantic and that I have a big hart. I have a lot of love to give to the right women, but I have a hard time talking to women. I am looking for a lady that can love, a lady who dose not think romance means expensive gifts, a lady that love kids and would like to have some one day. My idea of the perfect night is to snuggle up on the sofa under a blanket with a good wine and a good movie. I like the outdoors, like camping, hiking, long drives just to get lost. I love holding hands as we are walking down the street, kissing on a park bench….

I am sorry but I have to tell the truth I am not looking for someone that is extremely over weight and not to skinny, I also have a little meat on my bones too. I would like to find a lady that would like to start a family, and if she has kids already then no more then 1. Well after this you’re probably asleep.

Love Fred

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OK This ad peaked my interest.  Let me go through your list here and lets see if I fit the bill.  I am somewhere around 5′11 about 6ft in my boots.  I have 2 kids an I love kids.  I do mind paying and arm and a leg for watered down beer but I do it because I love hockey.  I know my way around town better than most people.  I use to be a field service tech and went company to company fixing networks and computers.  I’m also of healthy weight, I’m 170 lbs and in pretty good condition considering I still play hockey myself.  I understand hockey backwards and forwards and have been playing for around 23 years so I can explain everything about the game or just the questions you might have.  I am also in the age range at 32 years old.

I am being completely honest with you about everything.  As for the reason why you should take me take a look at the picture I am attaching.  You will see from the picture on my upper right arm I have a tattoo of the team logo, so I am a fan hands down.  What better reason should anyone need? LOL

Now the only problem is you said nothing about you in your ad.  No Age, No description, No anything…What about you??? And why should I go with you to the game aside from the fact that you have the tickets LOL.

Maybe I will hear from you…

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wana fuck u without taking you to the hockey

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You should take me.  Here’s why:

I have a reliable car.  A muscle car it is not, but it will get us there.   You won’t even have to moive my stuff out of the way to get in the passenger seat.

I understand the game of hockey.  Don’t know a whole lot about the current team roster, but i do know the game.  I played from kindergarten through college.

I’m fun, even for a 38 year old.

I don’t have much to do toinght.

I’m a great dad to one little girl, but she’s with her mom tonight.

I have beer money and a superfluous third arm.  You can have it, I don’t even want it back.  I might have a hard time giving up my leg.

I attached my pic.  Please send one back if you are interested.

If by some miracle, you do reply to me, don’t be alarmed if I don’t respond in 2 seconds.  Today is leaf raking day.